What it's like to be a man?

Vendula Kalinova
Jan 23
10 min read

Updated: Apr 14

The perhaps paradoxical nature of a woman's opinion.

This may differ a bit from my other articles but those of you who follow "Bashar" (Darryl Anka) know his motto of “Follow your highest excitement”, and as this subject graced my mind I felt an instant inkling to write about this.

Ha! You may say to yourself..

What does a woman know about what it’s like to be a man? What it’s like on the side of the Mars? Can you even notice all the way from Venus, woman?

Well, I am a woman. But there are criteria that place me in the space of observation which make me interested in such analysis. While I myself have been called overly sensitive by many; I have learned to not only see but utilize this as a gift. A gift of deep thought, and that of someone who is considered to be “HSP”. To those of you who are not familiar, researchers often use the term "Highly Sensitive Person” for this condition - that can be described as a Neurodivergent individual who is thought to have an increased or deeper central nervous system sensitivity to physical, emotional, or social stimuli. Essentially having a sensory processing sensitivity. To not however divert any further from the subject on hand, it is what makes me “me”, and why I am perhaps reading about “What It’s like to be a Bat” and wondering about what it’s like to be a man. So, although I can only metaphorically descend from my Venus existence that of a lunar cycle, I am a human, I can feel, and today I want to write about men. The bane of our existence, yet the bearers of this world.

Photo Credits: by Craig RJD

This isn’t about knowing. Of course, figuratively I can only imagine, speculate, and perhaps connect at best to what it’s like to be a man. The book I alluded to earlier comes to mind and is called “What it’s like to be a bat”? It is essentially a paper written by an American philosopher Thomas Nagel, first published in The Philosophical Review in October the year of 1974. For those of you interested in reading the 17-page work, there is a free PDF download available out on the internet.

The following excerpt from this paper made me ponder:

"Bats, although more closely related to us than those other species, nevertheless present a range of activity and a sensory apparatus so different from ours that the problem I want to pose is exceptionally vivid (though it certainly could be raised with other species)."

HA! He probably did not refer here to the male species but isn’t our experience a product of relativity? I could very well say “The range of activity of men and their sensory apparatus is so very different from that of ours. Likewise, the problem I want to pose here is exceptionally vivid (though it certainly could be raised with other species, such as bats).

The imposed paradox here is - What can a human really know about what it’s like being a bat, let alone a woman about what it’s like being a man? Well, enough to live and write about it. Thomas Nagel & I – both.

Jokes aside, what I want to portray here is my understanding, observation, and empathy for the masculine energy with which we ladies often cannot live with, nor can live without. I am referring here to the male species that is. It is the very interplay of the two energies that we all possess, the feminine and masculine energy where the polarity separates us by diversity yet connects us by superimposition.

So, the question then is - What is it like to be a man?

Now, I may never know firsthand.. But please Gentleman, do not underestimate the perception of the feminine. I believe the more attention we pay, the more awareness we gain. The more we take time to analyze, the more we can understand. And the more we feel the more we can empathize. So, the bit that I do know and learned over time I’d like to share, and what I feel is necessary to point out. Why? You might ask.

Because I feel men don’t often receive the recognition in the space that comes from a woman. I notice men don’t get to be celebrated for their prowess which comes from the stability they must battle with.

It seems as if there is no forgiveness for being a man. Society does not appear to celebrate the divergence of traits men are groomed to juggle. If a man is prioritizing his masculine ownership, he is considered being a macho. If he leans toward a vulnerability he is measured as weak.

While we women are pre-dispositioned to look for safety, reassurance, validation, and tenderness we often demand to receive this from our partner and expect sensitivity; yet we raise men to not cry. We raise men to drive through an emotional fog. A fog that blinds one to disassociate and often even dis-personify from their innate expression.

“Men do not cry” – How many times has a boy heard this during his upbringing, or a girl scanning for the boy to or not to? We let them out into the world and say - don’t cry - but as a Gentleman, you must be sensitive to us. It’s as if we pick up a rock that has hardened over the centuries and ask it to be clay. We instill a sense of confusion while we expect to receive a balance of a leader.

And I think even more so, coming from a female this may just be considered controversial but a pivotal distinction I want to make here; with the focus directed on the uphill of a demand a man is reared to climb.

I find it neat to consider how the contrast between the masculine and feminine often separates us; yet the pressure we all put on ourselves - through generations, through culture, through social settings, through simply interacting with each other don’t quite fully allow us to embrace those differences. Yet, the polarity is the actual very component that connects us more than we realize.

Well.. At the time of writing this piece, I myself am taken. His name is Miguel..

I shared actually with him, with the excitement of this coming through me. Oh, I am writing a piece that is called: “What it’s like to be a man?” I was met with a response, go figure:

“What do you know about that?”

I thought to myself; oh, do not under-estimate young man! I am here to closely dive into – yes, what is it like to be a man, and perhaps do not defend preceding attack because.. Well, I am dedicating this piece to praise my counterpart, on the contrary.

I have spent a long time without truly connecting with someone. Of the male species that is.

And he has changed that. It has made me appreciate the differences between a male and a female. And as maturity reaches my experience, I can perhaps embrace the male counterpart with a warmer welcome.

I used to look at men, and part of me wanted to change them. Unconsciously so, nevertheless, I wanted them to feel the way we do, for they can understand. Make them more sensitive, so they can relate to what we go through. Mold them into a shape so they can fit, - with me. And the puzzle never quite came together because, well.. because "MY" puzzle piece wasn’t fitting. It became evident, of essence, and necessary to begin and look more within myself instead - and create abundance where I perceived lack by projecting. Taking time to reflect and begin to take accountability. Lean in with more compassion, and curiosity instead of judgment. It allowed me to receive answers to questions that often graced my mind.

Questions like:

Why can’t we just fit together? Why is there so much resistance, and triggers? Why is there this sense of need for control and where does it come from? Why is it, that we get into a relationship, and we try to change one another? And I must admit; from my observation, women are certainly more guilty of this.

Well, where does it come from? From a place of fear.

It comes from an insecurity. It comes from a place that is driven by seeking safety. I can’t speak for all women but from my experience, most of us (and perhaps not many wish to admit this) learned to control, manipulate, and mold men into the version of themselves we wish to have. Romanticize the fairytale we missed out on with our dad. I am no different. The endless times I have attempted this just at the illusion of safety behind what essentially is a copying mechanism is silly; given, the paradox of safety being the furthest thing from what we could possibly receive by doing so.

I have learned to recognize, that the only way to receive a true sense of safety from a man that - actually does love us – that is, is to give him freedom. This freedom comes from within where we learn to cultivate a sense of safety within us, whereas a man can then lean in and naturally support this.

Now, as a joke.. If there is a competition, we women probably have a whole lot more to deal with in this world, and I will gladly accept the trophy on our behalf. Likewise, we do deserve recognition of the value we bring to this world. Us girls. But I am taking time to recognize the fork of divergence here, and this article is solely catered to you Gentlemen.

Because men need to be acknowledged and we need to pay heed to the pits and falls of both, the hills and valleys, the ebbs and flows, and nonetheless the famous Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Will have us recognize it’s not always easy on the other side. Learning and embracing these differences allows us to form a connection.

So, why are we so different?

Why do we often clash, why can we not understand one another, and why can’t we agree on our feelings? Why can’t we simply align? Well, we are different after all. There is a great deal of polarity and a keen sense of balance to be conveyed for us to connect. I believe if a woman does not cultivate a balance within herself, it would be an inert task to attain a balance in a relationship with a man. Therefore, often the compensation leans on the man because they now become the responsibility of it all. Of their world in addition to having to handle our feelings. This truly becomes an avalanche of pressure because of men by nature.. - and I may need to correct myself here. By nurture, men are; not always, but predominantly raised to suppress their emotions. Yet, they are expected to cater to ours and deal with something they are practically unfamiliar with. This is probably why they often have a hard time reading our feelings because they seldom have a compass for their own. Now, this may not necessarily be always tied to a household but more so culturally and socially.

Photo Credits: by Light Field Studios

I don’t know that women ponder to realize what it’s like to be a man.

Women tend to be caught up in their feelings, while men themselves happen to not quite know how to feel, or if the feeling arises it will be prone to be suppressed and will never make it to the surface.

As women, we deal with quite the load, a burden I could say, and almost an unspoken obligation to become who we are perceived to be. To be the pinnacle of beauty, to be seductive, yet nurturing, to be feminine, yet to be strong to bear and raise children, to nest and create a home, to support our partner, to often handle life without a partner, and to be the pillar of all. You may say there are un-for-seen forces that we may have to oblige to, often having to keep it all together. But with all the responsibilities of a woman, we often tend to overlook likewise the insurmountable pressure men bear on their shoulders. It reminds me of the statue of “Atlas” I once made a painting of.

The Titan who was condemned to carry the heavens on his shoulders. He was one of the most well-known gods in Greek mythology. Carrying a whole world, a celestial globe that is, on his shoulders. I think this image has perfectly ingrained in my mind the journey that men often experience, and seldom of us women even begin to realize.

It is the juxtaposition of men not willing to be seen as “weak” that disguises the very burden they are to carry.

Just like women are expected to fit a specific role, a body type, or a paradigm. Men likewise have a role to oblige by - to fit what "WEAK" is not. Weak is to shed a tear, weak is to speak of feelings, weak is to show vulnerability, right?

Let’s take a deeper look here, into what a man is indoctrinated to keep up with. The world is asking a man to not show his feelings – yet he is demanded to do so when in a relationship with a female. By default, then he is essentially asked to not process his emotions – yet he is required to understand a female processing hers. He is asked to be strong – yet he must be soft enough to handle his feminine counterpart. He is expected to be the provider – yet he is urged to spend a large amount of time with his woman – often taking him away from being able to do so. He is commanded to lead, yet he often gets halted by a woman wishing to compete to do the same. He is requested to desire his woman fully – yet when he exercises his primal instinct he is often rejected. He is taught to suppress his emotions - yet, he is expected to cater along to dissect ours, and let’s be honest ladies, last but not least – a man is told “Oh, nothing is wrong” but a world war is about to grace his days if he does not excavate the problem we tell him does not exist in the first place. He is required to give space while what we want is closeness. . He must remain stoic – yet is called insensitive when he displays being so. He must compete with his fellow mates – yet he must tame his aggression. He is expected to protect us – yet there is no protection his way. He must hunt, conquer, and gather – yet he is often faulted for making more income. He is insisted on maintaining his manly posture amongst his peers, yet he must return to his home and play a completely different part.

So.. There is a delicate sublime path a man must travel on.

The burden of pressure a man truly carries. Yes, as a woman myself; of course, I have lived it. There is a whole world on the other side and that of Venus that is. But do we ever take the time to visit Mars?

Maybe if we carried a bit more understanding of where men truly come from, we could perhaps allow them to likewise understand us a bit more.

In conclusion..

It may appear on the surface that men have it easier than us women, but I’d like to insert a pause here. At the end of the day, we are all human and we all carry a cross on our shoulders, as they say. The burden is only equal to its horse's strength. What I do believe in - is - where there is a good woman there will be a good man to follow. A man naturally embodies potential. A man can lead when his mind is clear. Clear with an aim, goal, and purpose. It is how nature has made him. Let’s not forget, however; a great leader is often built on support.

And so perhaps as women, we could extend this support with grace, empathy, and appreciation for the masculine energy that is very much so part of us, even if as a mirror. The more beauty we see the more beauty reflects onto us. It is the yin & yen that completes the circle.

So, if you have a man in your life. Whether this is a husband, boyfriend, fiancé, uncle, dad, sibling, or simply a neighbor – show them! We are part of men’s purpose, and they can aim that much higher when we uplift them. Our hearts will then become a map they will wish to follow. ~ Vendula Kalinova